| Hugs make the world go round... |
[11 Nov 2007|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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Every hug you give is like adding a day to your life. Spread love and it'll come back to you. If you can imagine yourself dying right now would you be pleased with what you've done? Who you've loved? The things you own, the places you've been, the things you've learned, the lives you've touched? I think I'm getting to a better place in my life. Yeah, I may be more broke than before, with a couple g's in debt, but my mind has come back to me. I was thinking through a depressed persons filter before, but now I'm Ben again. "Perky" as they call me at work. Or perks for short. Perkimus maximus occasionally. Voted always happy in Mr. Lewis's class back in '95. Good times. They're comming back. Let's see how my grades turn out this semester.
Reflections of self found in others around
Letter and numbers on papers surround
But life they are not when you strip it away
You're left with the things that you do and the things that you say
So next time you find life is getting you down
Realize it's not life at all, it's your heavy heart and a frown
D and B sitting in a tree
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| Haku... |
[25 Jul 2006|11:48pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Death Cab for Cutie- Tiny Vessels |
] |
This life will end sooner than you realize. Don't let it end before you accomplish everything you ever wanted to, because the only one standing between you and greatness is you. Afraid to run out of goals. Afraid of how great you might realize you are. Afraid to cry and let others see you cry. Afraid to open your heart for fear that you may see it's black inside. Afraid there may be a boy inside begging for someone to pay attention to him, to love him, to need him as much as he needs you. Afraid to find that boy doesn't need you at all. Afraid that someone may see the tracks of my tears and know my weakness. Afraid that you cannot accomplish those goals before God takes you. Afraid that everything you thought God had in store for you was a misunderstanding, and that that realization will come crashing down on you in those final moments of life. The only thing I can give is my life, yet somehow I fear that's not enough.
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| Be strong, believe... |
[20 Jan 2006|06:21pm] |
Emt courses coming up, then paramedic, then it's off to fighting fires for me. Alternitively, I graduate EMT, become an ambulance dispatcher at about $12 an hour to pay the bills, get stuck there for a few years and find out my asthma will keep me from being a firefighter. Alternatively, I could die.
Okay, so the death machine I kept between my legs is done for. No, not my scabbed up penile membrane; my motorcycle. It broke down, and is gonna cost $1500 or more to fix. dang!
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| They say you reap what you sow... |
[21 Oct 2005|02:04pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
] |
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music |
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Boys II Men- "Dreams" |
] |
And I think I’ve sown a big gay bean. SO we’re training this really cool new manager at Jamba Juice, and he and I get along really well. But if any of you know me you know that I’m kinda really open with my opinion of who’s hot; if a guy is hot I’ll say so. And maybe I have other little gay tendencies, but so what?! I like frenchin’ girls as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t make me uncomfortable with appreciating a good looking person when I see one. Maybe I just need to vocalize my “gay” opinions/thoughts less, and keep them to myself, because I think deep down I know I’m not gay, so that should be all that matters, right? Oh freakin’ drama. He’s just a really cool guy and I like talking to him, because it seems like he gets me. The thing is I’m not 100% sure he’s gay/bi, but that may be me blocking out the signals. Yeah, so I’m doing the 10K mud run at Pendleton this Saturday, and I figure okay that’s a pretty safe thing to consider, um, what’s the word I’m looking for? … non-gay?... Anyway, not to generalize or stereotype, but he took this “manly(?)”event and says “there’s gonna be tons of army guys there, all covered in mud, wearing little shorts!” It cracked me up, because the first two and a half weeks we’ve been training him nobody has decided if he’s gay or not, just to give you an idea of his lack of flamboyancy. Oh man, I’m getting extra sick, and I have the mud run AND the breast cancer walk coming up this weekend. And work tonight until 10 equals no time to prepare or anything. Oh man. Busy schedules are great/suck.
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| P.S.... |
[30 Sep 2005|04:40pm] |
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That last entry was just a piece of cr@p entry that I decided to throw on here just because I haven't posted anything in a while. But actually life is great. Work(s) are going well, kung-fu is going well, Dazel and I are doing well, and I think I'm starting to get back into the green with my green.
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| A birthday=... |
[30 Sep 2005|04:36pm] |
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presents. You don't know how hard it is to make a mirror. People will not be shown what they don't want to see, and therefore turn a blind eye to your projections or reflections. These moments make me appreciate the others.
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| Reach too far and you'll fall over... |
[22 Sep 2005|03:26pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
] |
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music |
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D. Beddingfield-"Draw you" |
] |
How can there be so much emotion floating around right now. So much personal worry. I'm worried for you first. I worry for them second. I worry for me last. If nothing else came out of my relationship with John I learned that worrying about yourself first is... selfish. "and that's the saddest way to live", Those words stuck with me. "Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all the people you can, As long as ever you can." ~ John Wesley. Those words stuck with me. Lately this has become my mantra. I'm not saying that you worrying about you first is wrong, I'm just saying me worrying about myself seems wrong to me. I don't think I was given life for my own enjoyment, otherwise I would be in a different situation, who knows... but rather I think I was given life to "ease the suffering of a dying child". i remember how much livejournal posts ruined my life. I guess personal feelings are kept inside for a reason.
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| There is no shade at night... |
[19 Aug 2005|10:04am] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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Yellowcard- "View from heaven" |
] |
Emotional surplus spills out through the only way it knows how to any more. I remember the days when the only way I knew how to handle this much emotion was punching things. HA. I've got a little bit of scar tissue to remind me not to do that anymore. Oh yeah, and the glasses I always have to wear. I think I've just never liked crying, even though I always feel closest to God when I do. I was putting away the order yesterday in the freezer, and you know how whenever you're cold it always seems to make sadness worse? Yeah, well it was REALLY freakin' cold in there, and it just all started coming out. My friend Max might be dying as I sit here right now, and it feels like there's nothing I can do for him. Even if he does live, there's a strong chance he'll be brain damaged or paralyzed. And now I just found out that my dad might have cancer, and he's more important to me than I can ever make him understand. He's what keeps me... loving my mom. We don't get along really well; actually we get along fine, I just don't like her as a person, and he makes me remember that she's worthy of love from someone as great as my dad, then I remember everything good she is instead of all the bad. My uncle died from cancer about a year ago. He was my favorite uncle, kinda one of my heroes. It's the hardest when heroes die. There's just so much death around. I regret ever buying that motorcycle. Everytime I get on it I go through a checklist in my head that everything would be at least okay if I were to die. I love riding; it's so much fun, but I don't have any faith in my safety when I ride. I have nightmares about crashes or more oil spills and me getting mangled or killed. I'm a grown ass man, I'm not supposed to have nightmares anymore. That's the first indication that something's wrong. On top of all this, I didn't erally make it back to school this time around, and that makes me feel so worthless. Like I'm not doing anything with my life, because I've been taught that you HAVE to go to college otherwise you're pretty much scum. I know that's not true, but the fact is that it has been ingrained in me. Now that I've been exercising so much I'm always hungry, and when you're broke that means grumbly stomach = grumbly Ben. Well, I'm not really that broke, but I just try to really concentrate on what I choose to spend my money on. Food is not the first thing on the list. Happiness is. Happiness now, or later? Well the easiest way to decide is by comparing the magnitude of happiness and the level of necessity. Food now= a little happy for a while. NO $$ for bills later = uh-oh!! for a longer while. The winds have blown my kite into trees, and back out. The same trees that lend me their branches for shade in times of sweat-faced childhood, and grips during scar inducing adventure. NO more kites these days; I've been told I'm too old. It's hard to argue with the world. Bob has been lonely these past few years; I've only been going through the motions, but it's time for a change. Crying doesn't fix anyone, but I have always believed that laughter can be the best medicine.
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| Darn spies... |
[26 Jul 2005|04:59pm] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
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music |
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Jack Johnson- "Better Together" |
] |
This compy has been spied on by the internet. And also there is weird porn on it now... not the first time. Dad?
"The only thing that keeps me sane at the end of the day is that I've got you."
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| Out of hand... |
[05 Jul 2005|04:52pm] |
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So this stupid situation between an ex-old friend and two more recent friends has dragged my girlfriend and myself into it. Now as things have been escalating I've been threatened and challenged to a fight. Not that I question whether I would win a fair fight, but do I really wanna hurt this guy who I've known for like 10 years? How childish is it to roll up to his house and call him up and say "Hey come outside, I'm ready to fight." I did have a dream that he was trying to start something at the beach just two nights ago. Such negativity will consume a person.
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| I finally gave in... |
[03 Jul 2005|12:23pm] |
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In case I haven't already posted this, I gave into myspace. It's under the same name... so there you have it.
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| Game testing... |
[29 Jun 2005|06:56pm] |
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The dream job of every kid who grew up playing video games for eight hours a day without being payed. Now I have the opportunity to work for Midway testing their games from 9-6 everyday, hopefully at $10 an hour. I don't feel like finishing this, so there you go.
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| Guns kill... |
[20 Jun 2005|06:22pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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ko'okuanalaka'i'ike-"somehwere over the rainbow" |
] |
And dreams die. Realistic approaches to fantasy, and fantastic approaches to reality illuminate the infeasibility of it all. What is a dreamless slumber if not death? When you lose everything you've ever lived for, it's hard to figure out where to start. This is the end, and the beginning.
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| I've known quite a few people... |
[14 Jun 2005|05:29am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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Jack Johnson- "DO you remember" |
] |
And I can honestly say that Dazel is the most amazing person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And she's not bad on the eyes either.
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| How much time do we have?... |
[09 Jun 2005|02:00am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Mae- "Embers and Envelopes" |
] |
How would your life change if you knew without a doubt that you would die is one week's time? What would you do differently? Now let me ask you why you know that. How did you find this out? In a dream you had last night, you faced your death, and now you must either make the decision of whether that was merely a dream, or a premonition. Are you crazy enough to realize that you might be sane? Do you have what it takes to believe the unbelievable? How would others react? Disbelief for the most part, but I would believe you. If you say it's the truth, I'll believe you. Would you return the favor?
I have so much to tell you all, but you would never believe that I know the future. I can't tell you the lotto numbers for tomorrow, but that doesn't disprove anything. Can you even tell me a single winning number from yesterday? Didn't think so. I went to an art school and I have never followed sports. I don't know when the world series is, let alone who will play in it and win. There is so much to life that you may never know, and there is so much you will never let me tell you. Traveling through time is not easy on the mind, especially the memory. Imagine reliving memories with knowledge of the future, it's hard. I don't think about who the president is, or how cars are propelled on a daily basis, so those things don't stick. I live life, I have emotions, I follow a time line. Cause and effect are what make sense. Causality has its roots in impressions, and those are what stick. I can't tell you what will happen to you tomorrow, or in a week, just like I don't know what's happening to you right now.Being from the future doesn't make you omniscient, all it makes you is crazy. How could you ever prove me wrong?!
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| Sometimes songs just capture feelings so well... |
[07 Jun 2005|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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"Never gone" |
] |
I really miss you
There's something that I gotta say
The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you
Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never seperate us
Deep inside I know you are
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (yeah)
Never gone
No no no
I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone
(Somehow)
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life yeah)
Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe (I believe)
I will see you somewhere down the road again
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye (yeah yeah)
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life)
Never gone, never far
In my heart (in my heart is where) is where you are (you are)
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
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| You... |
[06 Jun 2005|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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creative |
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music |
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This to a tune |
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Somehow you've always managed to find the best there is in me
Looking past the mask, the truth is what you see
You never fail to take a chance and find out who I am
Searching my soul, you find the boy trying to hide the man
That I will become for you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To show you the true way I feel
That this love is more than real
More real than anything I've felt before
You are the one that I truly adore
I may have my flaws of which I'm ashamed
But with your guidance I think I have changed
To be a better lover, a better person all together
So I can make you happier from now until forever
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| So much DRAMA... |
[06 Jun 2005|11:05am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
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music |
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Backstreet boys- "Never gone" |
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Freakin' grow up everyone. All that stuff that you don't like, just let it go. Get those drama inducing people out of your life. Just be like "Yo! I'm moving, and changing my cell #, so don't try to contact me any more. Actually, I'm lying and I just don't want you in my life anymore. So long and thanks for all the fish." Um, my life is good right now, and I think it's because for the most part I've let go of that part of me that feeds on drama. Sure it sucks, but there's always been that part that enjoys the attention of being in the middle of a crapy situation. But now I associate myself with cool people, and I don't get butt hurt as much. Then when I do I'll tell that person, and then everything's fine. Um, sbeeemail.
What the crap?! Yes I'm awesome!!
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| Livejournal... |
[03 Jun 2005|12:55pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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Boys II Men- "Dreams" |
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Who misses Dazel? ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! I love my girlfriend so much and I miss her so much and I want her to come home!! I love you Babe...
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| I think I recently figured something out... |
[29 May 2005|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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amazing |
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music |
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Boys II Men- "I will get there(a capella)" |
] |
I have everything I want. I am truely happy. I have a wonderful girlfriend and I feel like I have just recently begun to truely appreciate her the way she was meant to be. My friends are great, though some of them have grown distant. I have a means of transportation, a nice computer, the internet, and a decent job (well, it's a paycheck at least). Now, if I could just find a way to make more time... maybe we humans can never be happy huh? Always wanting something more. John ****** Inniss, you are in big trouble for not being that friend that dropped off. I miss you.
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